The Bible (that book that some of us snort at, or at least half-smile at) talks about how everything has its season…or something along those lines, at least. I’m just paraphrasing, because this isn’t really about the Bible, its more about how the Universe (or God, Goddess, Deity, what have you) moves in the most mysterious of ways.
A few weeks back, my sister and I, both being of the sparsely-friended and rather nonexistent-social-life persuasion decided to do some sibling bonding by going out to the club to dance and otherwise have a good time. That was our intent, and I think we were both determined to fulfill that aim.
In any case, we arrive at the club, and we should have paid more attention to the old family rule no. 9, which basically requires that before you leave to go anywhere, you better empty your bladder. We get through the doors, and head off to our respective lavatories.
The Universe must have been doing something funny that night, that’s all I can say. See, I hadn’t actually been out for…well, months, almost since my break-up (I think I had actually only been out once since then). Drastic changes had occurred since that point, and, well, you know, these things have a way of lining up way too nicely to just write off as happenstance.
I’m standing in the bathroom, about to wash my hands, and I actually look up and at the person in front of me…guess who? My ex. It was one of those moments you only think happens in movies, but at the same time, a part of you says that dammit, this is what you have been waiting for, because it’s time for you to shove it in their face that you are just that much better off for leaving them behind.
At least, that’s the idea. I remember kind of freezing up at that particular moment, especially when he said (and I admit, I may have misheard him, but at the same time, I don’t think I did) “Hey sexy.” I honestly don’t know that he recognized me, at least at first. But that’s the Universe for you, throwing curve balls just to see how you react.
So, I could have let that ruin my night, right? Except that I didn’t. I had gone out with the intention of having a good time with my sister, and we proceeded to do just that. Now, granted, when we went outside to take a break from the dancing, we did manage to find a spot where I could see my ex (not in the creepy stalker way, I promise, just a let’s-see-how-he’s-handling-it way).
My aim was never to humiliate or otherwise shame my ex. Like most people, I never thought I would actually reach the point where seeing him, in person, would elicit little to no response in me, like it did that night. Yes, there is something of a smug feeling in knowing that you look better than when the break-up happened, and that feeling does intensify when you look over and (because you just happen to know his body language all too well) know that he is pouting. There is a bit of self-satisfaction there.
But in so many ways, it was also the closure that I really needed. I thought, in the early phases, that I would need to say something to him, yell, scream, berate…I mean, you get the picture. However, when it came down to it, I realized that where I was in that moment, where I am in life, that’s so much better than worrying about him, about what I might say, because, honestly, there wasn’t anything that I could have said. We’re both doing our own thing, and while I can’t say for certain that I know what he is up to, I do know what I am doing, and I can say, with certainty, that my life is much better now, and there is no reason for me to want to go back.
Thank you, Powers That Be, for granting me that one little moment. Thank you for letting me experience non-feeling, neutrality. I understand that you don’t really like to give warnings about when things like this happen, but I would so really appreciate a little sign at the very least. But if you can’t, I understand.
END NOTE: To expound a little further, my vanity did flare up for a moment. While I have lost 40 pounds since the break-up, I hadn’t even started on the training and conditioning that I am now undergoing. I would have really…REALLY…well, really appreciated it if the Universe had waited until a little later this summer…though that would have probably devalued the entire experience. Humility is, after all, a great teacher. I’ll save the vanity for myself.
Shade Songs and Magickal Musings 