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As my previous post demonstrated, to some degree, I’m trying to live with an attitude of gratitude…you know, at least being thankful to others for what they have done for me, and trying to express that as much as I can. And that’s usually easy enough when the person in question is, well, just that: an actual person. As far as gratitude in other areas…well, I’m not so good on that front.

If you’ve been reading my posts, or if you happen to know me in real life, you might be aware of the fact that I am somewhat (if not highly) intelligent. Okay, I realize that came off a little egotistical, but unfortunately, it’s the truth. I own the fact that I am intelligent, even if, at times, I attempt to downplay it with the whole “jack of all trades, master of none” excuse. My friends, however, like to point out that, in reality, I pretty much master most anything I put my mind to, if I really want it.

My friends are very demonstrative and vocal about my intelligence. Heck, even my classmates and teachers are (which at first was a bit discomforting, but I think I’m getting into the groove, finally, because no one treats it like a ‘bad’ thing). I, on the other hand, seem to have great trouble in accepting the gift of intelligence that I have been given, at least wholeheartedly. Because, you see, while I do enjoy that I am intelligent, I also find that, more often than not, it is the primary quality that people associate with me, to the point that I, at times, feel almost one dimensional.

I realize I’m looking the gift horse in the mouth here. I should be thankful to the Powers that Be that I have been given this ability. I try to be, though not always successfully. I talked it over with my therapist at one point, and he suggested trying to find a way to integrate the other aspects of my life so that they were all validated. Easier said than done, unfortunately. Still kind of working on that one.

Now, I’m not about to downplay the fact that I have been granted some great opportunities because of my intelligence. I am at the beginnings of what looks to be an amazing job (well, two jobs, really), I have a peer group (in school and out) that not only recognizes my intellectual contributions, but also likes the other aspects of my personality, and, from a more personal perspective, I’ve found ways to use my intelligence to my advantage, especially in areas that, before now, seemed the least compatible.

My intelligence is a blessing. My perception of it is, well, something of a curse. How much do I downplay it, and how much do I promote it? I guess it’s a matter of personal taste. I try to balance it as much as possible, because I am somewhat afraid of being perceived as pedantic and stuffy, imposing even (not that I can really help how others see me), but I also know that I am not the frivolous type; it would be too much of a break in character for me to even attempt that.

Was there a point in writing this? Maybe. Maybe what I needed was a sounding board, a place where I could (at least metaphorically) spew the stuff out of my head and into some sort of media form, outside. Sometimes that helps clarify. Unfortunately, it still seems a bit like pea soup out here, but hopefully I can intuit my way through it.

I am thankful for the blessing of intelligence that I possess. I am thankful for the flexibility it grants me. I am grateful that I have people around me who proactively support and encourage my intelligence in a way that makes it less intimidating, at least to me. I hope, in time, that I can make it less intimidating for them.